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A Response from Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs Dept.

Just for fun...

Hector The HMRC Tax Inspector!

Text of a recent letter from HMRC, received last Tuesday by post:

Dear Mr. S. Expat,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your very prompt reply to our latest communication, and to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last ‘fictional ditty’ as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at Her Majesty’s Revenue Service, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of whinging, whining and outright begging vomited daily through the letterbox" has been noted.


Whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that, as our records show that you own several UK properties; and the correspondence being from "poverty-stricken pauper councils, vicious loan-shark mortgage purveyors and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "dimwitted carrot-cruncher in a smock" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".

More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.

Whilst there may be some truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the pox-ridden, top-heavy folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole bloody party" yourself.

The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation are very colourful, but in fairness, a little off the mark.

Less than you might imagine is spent on "jolly boys outings”, “junkets for claret-swilling arses" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking pantomime of a university system for the snowflake spawn of the liberal elite".

A couple of technical points arising from your direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the last drop of blood of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered practical, because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I feel sure that this will have been discussed at length and dismissed by some ‘claret-swilling arses’ in Westminster.

I trust this has helped to clarify some of your points.

In the meantime...

Whilst I would not wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I should point out that, given we already know your South-East Asian address, if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and bugger off to Mongolia" you would still owe us the money, and we would probably still find you.

Please ensure your cheque reaches us before 5th April .

Yours sincerely,

Mr. John Thomas

Customer Relations.

P.S. - Whilst this article is just for fun, should you require any personal tax advice, whatever your country of origin and country of residence, please do not hesitate to contact me.


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