Just for fun at this festive time of the year...
Q: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker? A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker
The market is Weird…
Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Not All about Money
Money isn’t everything, but it certainly makes sure your children stay in touch.
To publicise colon cancer screenings, a cancer specialist suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was dropped. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax demand may be considered ironic," said the HMRC inspector.
God's Time And Money…
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "1 second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?" And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?" And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
A Mathematician, an Accountant and an Economist…
Apply for the same job - The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?”
The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?”
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal”?
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
He tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” The man says sure.
“You are an economist for a government think tank,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
The Most Successful Investor…
Was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
A Huge Crab Walks into a Bar...
And says to the barman, "I demand one pint of beer. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met.
The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided.
If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "Why the big clause?"
Two Below the Belt Jokes…
A married couple are having financial troubles.
The wife decides to become a prostitute. On her first day, she makes $200.50.
Her husband says " Which asshole gave you 50 cents?" …
"All of them did"
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... she stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
And Finally ... Some Christmas Cracker Humour
Why is money called dough? - Because we all knead it.
Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? - Because he gave out bad scents
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? - There was money in the kitty.
Why did God create stock market analysts? - In order to make weather forecasters look good.
There are three kinds of people... Those who can count and those who cannot.
Where can you always find money? - In the dictionary.
Why is sex like a bank account? - Because once you withdraw, you lose all interest.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills? - With Tyrannosaurus cheques.
Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt? - Pyramid schemes.
What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie? - Love Actuary.
Who handles financial matters in a monastery? - That's nun of your business
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